Dvorak. Enderle. Lyons. More logic has been lost in the triangle created by these three men than in all the unexplained plot holes in The X-Files, Lost and alt.starwarsstartrekcrossover.fanfic combined.

We'll kick it off with John C. Dvorak. (The "C." is for "Clownish arguments". His parents just had a feeling.)

Not even in a piece lambasting Google's new Photos service (tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines) can Dvorak resist taking a nonsensical jab at Mac users because... well, why does a fish swim or a bird fly? Because they have an irrational hatred of the water and the air, that's why.

Unless you are a Mac user who trusts that the computer has good intentions and you actually are comfortable not knowing what is really going on, you will hate this service.

So, only Mac users will love a service from Google that scans through all your photos and uses them in its ad-generating algorithms... because we're just so stupid. This despite the fact that Google Photos has prompted many in the Apple community to explain exactly why Google's business model makes them so uneasy they tend not to use their services. His Apple jabs have gone from not making any sense to being exactly backward. Some day scientists will realize that Dvorak is not human but some kind of alien spider beast that feasts on Earthly logic and converts it into an intricate web of illogic. If only the National Science Foundation would approve the Macalope's grant.

Meanwhile, over at Rob Enderle's International House o' Crapcakes, Rob appears to have gotten himself a medical degree in a box of Crapperjacks (tip o' the antlers to Magnus Seter).

I actually think Apple would have done better had it also [gone private like Dell], because it would have removed some of the SEC problems that became a distraction for Steve Jobs (and may have contributed to his getting cancer)...

Let's have a show of hands: Who thinks Steve Jobs was more worried about the angle of the rounded corners on the original iPhone than the SEC's investigation into Apple's backdating scandal? One, two, three... OK, literally everyone. OK, good to know.

Jobs was never very concerned about anyone else's rules.

Now we turn to the annals of the completely expected as we discover Dan Lyons saying "I can't get excited about the Apple Watch".

Welcome to Surpriseville, population: zero. Yes, the town populated by people surprised that Dan Lyons has a negative opinion about an Apple product has fewer people living in it than that town in Pennsylvania that's had a coal fire burning under it for 50 years.

Apple fans keep trying to say that this is like the rollout of the iPhone back in 2007. -

Has anyone said that? The Macalope hasn't. If anything it's more like the rollout of the first iPod in that you have to already have an Apple product to make it work, but when you're flailing your arms wildly about Apple doom like an air puppet at a used car lot, you have to make some stuff up.

That's a pretty good analogy for all three of these guys: The air puppets of Apple punditry. A lot of arm waving and hot air but ultimately empty on the inside.