You'd think that having just reported a pretty good quarter, Apple would be in a good position. Ha. Ha. Haaaaaa.
Apple peaks every year.
Despite all that's going right for the tech giant, new signs indicate that Apple could be in a vulnerable spot against competitors.
"Despite being huge and strong, Apple is small and weak. Let me explain..."
[Five hours of interpretive dance]
Tesla Motors, the electric carmaker, has reportedly poached 150 employees from Apple...
...in a delightful white wine and lemon sauce. They were served with a side of grilled broccolini and couscous.
(The Macalope should not write these things right before lunch.)
The article does not say over what time period these employees were enticed away but let's just assume it was in the last 15 minutes so it sounds super bad.
The problem is that the market share...
...for Apple's largest business segment--the iPhone and iPad family--while still high, declined by about 2% between the fourth quarter of 2012 to the fourth quarter of 2014, ending at 20%, according to data compiled by market intelligence firm IDC.
And here the Macalope had just heard how Apple was defeating Android. The horny one's not even going to bother trying to figure out whether it's Fortune's Sanghoee or Business Insider's Jim Edwards who's making the logical error here. The only important take-aways are that iOS is both simultaneously a dastardly capitalist juggernaut that is destroying the democratic freedom of Android and a total loser that's bleeding market share. It is the Schrödinger's cat of mobile operating systems, in which the cat is both dead and destroying your personal freedom at the same time.
In addition, the popularity of the company's phones in China, a large and attractive market with 550 million smartphone users, could be threatened by the recent entry of e-commerce behemoth Alibaba into this segment.
"Just like it was threatened by Samsung. Just like it's threatened by Xiaomi. Which ended up hurting Samsung not Apple. Because Apple doesn't compete at the low-end of the market. In short, I do not understand how Apple does business is what I'm saying."
With lots of cash on its balance sheet for marketing, a popular online sales platform, and first-hand knowledge of how to navigate the Chinese market, Alibaba could give Apple a run for its money.
If cash on hand is a differentiator, how can anyone in good conscience attempt to portray Apple as being the underdog?
Maybe he's not. Maybe he was laughing maniacally as he wrote this. That could explain it.
"Now to the playground where I shall steal candy from a baby! Mwa-ha-ha-haaa! Then to the express checkout line where I'll take more items than I'm allowed!"
Holy cow, this could explain almost all Apple coverage, come to think of it.
What this implies is that Apple can't afford to become complacent.
Cut to Tim Cook, lying in sweats on a couch playing Super Mario, his cheeks stuffed with Cheetos. Startled, he looks into the camera: "Whuff?" Cheeto dust flies everywhere.
Even though the new iPhone has been wildly successful due to its larger screen size, it's not dramatically different from its predecessors.
It's apparently not enough that Apple redefined the smartphone market in 2007. It has to do it again every year.
Other than minor improvements, the iPhone 6 is almost identical to the iPhone 5S, which in turn is similar to the model before it. That is Apple's big problem.
A problem so big that the company just reported the best quarter of any company ever.
In order to maintain its position, Apple can't afford to simply tweak or upgrade its existing line of popular products.
Well, isn't it great they have you to remind them how they do business, which is by reinventing a product category, making the best product they know how to make, and then incrementally improving it after that. Clearly if there was anyone who didn't know how Apple does business it would be the people running Apple.
At least Sanghoee knows the basic tenet of entertainment: Always leave them laughing.
...Windows phones threaten to take market share from Apple iOS.
[Editors' Note: The Macalope skewers the worst coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticise any media organisation. Even ours.]