What did we used to do before Forbes? Whatever it was, even if it was writing overwrought poetry in the freezing cold by candlelight shortly before dying of tuberculosis, the Macalope is nostalgic for those times.
Writing for Forbes Jay McGregor warns:
"Don't Get Too Excited About The iPhone 7" (indirect link)
Uhhh, OK. Kinda easy since it's 10 months away and the Macalope is still enjoying his iPhone 6. Really, other than that Star Wars trailer, the horny one doesn't get too excited about things that are longer away than you could conceive and birth a human baby.
Uh, yeah, we can wait a sec while you watch the trailer again.
You done or...? What, again? Oh, for... OK, look, the Macalope's going to go on, you can catch up to the rest of us when you're done.
The Apple iPhone 7 (or 6s) and Samsung Galaxy S6 rumours are starting to fly in thick and fast.
No, no, no. Rumors do not "fly." They "swirl." As such a motion indicates their source.
Also, please note that pretty much all of this article is about the iPhone. Because Apple.
But how radically different are they--or any other 2015 smartphone--going to be? Probably not much, and there's a good chance that your mind won't be blown when they finally land.
Is anyone not already on this page? Is someone out their really expecting these phones to be the hamster-mounted death rays of 2015? This entire piece could be replace with two words: "markets mature." Or it could just not have been written at all. That would have been better.
I say this because one of Forbes' highest ranked iPhone-related stories (and Apple products in general) was speculation about the future of the headphone jack by Forbes' Gordon Kelly.
BEHOLD THE MIRACLE OF MODERN LINK-BAIT FARMING. Not only does your whackadoodle conspiracy theory-promoting article drive traffic to your site (even though it turns out to be wrong, the iPhone 6 did not drop the mini-jack), you can then use that traffic to claim people are too concerned about iPhone rumors.
Bra-vo. It's like a perpetual motion machine of dumb. It apparently doesn't occur to Forbes that most of the traffic was either from people whose outrage they needlessly ginned up or people just coming to laugh at them. No, no, they were coming for the sterling analysis. Which, uh, just happened to be wrong. Oopsies.
Well, whatevs. It's time to make the people they tricked into reading their article pay again.
Clearly, people were expecting more. The headphone jack rumour presented a radical change in direction for the then rumoured iPhone. It gave them optimism and hope that in this age of the identikit smartphone, Apple still had the magic.
Wha-what?! Kelly's article was a needless diatribe about how Apple was screwing their customers with the iPhone 6 by making them throw out their headphones with mini jacks and buy new headphones with Lightning cables. Now McGregor plays it off like Apple failed their customers by not screwing them.
If there's a finer example of how Apple is damned if it does and damned if it doesn't... No, strike that. There couldn't be. This is the perfect, distilled sphere of the idea, floating in an amber chamber, untouched by any impurities that would dilute its inherent insanity.
The build up was huge, the anticipation was palpable and the reality was, well, underwhelming.
Did you know you can just write things on the Internet without any proof whatsoever and make assertions of facts without backing them up and somehow not burst into flames or be hauled off by the winged monkey henchmen of a Krampus-like god of veracity? It's a shame, but it's true.
First of all, McGregor has no support for his contentions about the level of anticipation for the iPhone 6. But, second, his measure for how disappointing it was is the amount of traffic Forbes got for Kelly's review of the phone. Maybe if Kelly had jumped to conclusions in his review like he did in his rumor piece --"The iPhone 6 has a fingerprint reader and, I believe, is stealing your immortal soul every time you use it"--it would have gotten more traffic.
Yes, the iPhone 6 is a horrible disappointment. That sold in the millions.
A contact of mine at a major smartphone manufacturer told me that next year's device (more info on that later this week) won't be much of an update. ... He did not sound excited.
A dude McGregor knows isn't jazzed about the iPhone 7. What more do you need to know?
Yeah there might be a few gimmicks like a 3D screen, or a profile shot of Ashton Kutcher giving the thumbs up etched into the rear-casing.
Not likely, since Kutcher actually works for Lenovo (no, the Macalope is not making that up, although he really should be).
Is it too much to ask that your Apple zingers make sense? Really, that's just the cherry on the top of this banana split: a dumb joke that makes no sense in a pointless article based on a fabricated history constructed on a diatribe about something that didn't end up happening. Just another day at the office for Forbes.