Hey, what time is it? 7:00 a.m.? 12:30 p.m.? No! See, it turns out the Apple Watch doesn't have some security features that the iPhone does so what time is it? Why, it's exaggeration time!
Is it? Is that the real problem here? Are Apple Watches literally falling off the wrists of their owners and into the pockets of thieves? No, of course not. That would be silly. In fact, it is not really all that easy to steal an Apple Watch. It's certainly less easy to steal one than an iPhone, inasmuch as an Apple Watch is literally strapped to your body and an iPhone is generally not.
Ah, except for you, Larry. Yes, we see your cool smartphone holster. We see you. We can't unsee you. God knows we've tried.
It's possible the Watch makes the iPhone less likely to get stolen as it lets you leave it in your pocket more, but none of this is what CNN/Money's Jose Pagliery is talking about.
Anyone who steals an Apple Watch can--in about 20 seconds--simply reset it and make it their own.
Yes! After they steal it. See how that works? Is there some kind of temporal paradox in place that has obviated the need for events to occur in order?
By contrast, the iPhone has certain features that make it less desirable for criminals.
The Verge's Chris Welch has a better headline for what surely will be called "Stealgate" any second now, what's taking so long? But then it quickly goes south.
"The Apple Watch is no harder to steal than a Rolex, but it should be" (indirect link and tip o' the antlers to Jason Snell)
OK, that's fair. But this?
Here's the sad truth: the very expensive Apple Watch is now also the easiest Apple gadget to steal.
No! It's not! Gah! Is the Macalope the last sane man in a world gone mad?! That would explain a lot.
No, an iPod is, without doubt, the easiest Apple gadget to steal. For starters, the Macalope's not even sure where his iPods are right now. Someone could steal one and he wouldn't know about it for days. But even a MacBook is easier to steal than a Watch. The Watch--and the Macalope is not exactly sure why he has to point this out--is on a strap that is fixed to your mortal coil. Yeah, David Blaine could get it without breaking a sweat but guess what? Look at your wrist. He stole your watch years ago and you never even noticed.
Also your car. You should really call the police. The guy is out of control.
For the sake of fairness, it's worth nothing that Android Wear smartwatches are similarly vulnerable to theft.
No, no, no, no. Fairness is not noting in paragraph seven that Android Wear smartwatches lack the same security features. Fairness is making this piece about smartwatches instead of about the Apple Watch. That's fairness. This is shenanigans. Jerkery. A masters thesis in linkbaitery, if you will.
With the product being so new, there haven't been many headlines about Apple Watch muggings or ugly theft incidents yet...
You know, like a home invasion, a kidnapping, a beating, maybe some extortion. Nothing like that. Yet. That we know of. Of course, Apple would want to hush that up, so...
We don't know that anything that happened in any Quentin Tarantino movies has happened over the Apple Watch is what Welch is saying. We don't know that.
...and hopefully there won't be. But take a look at Craigslist or eBay, and you'll see Apple's smartwatch selling for way above its retail value. For thieves, the temptation is there.
LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR. DANGER LURKS AROUND EVERY CORNER. ABANDON ALL HOPE AND TRUST.
What is this, TV news? It's certainly the patented TV news formula. TV news should sue for trademark infringement.
Should Apple add more security features to the Watch? Sure. But anyone telling you the Watch is "easy to steal" is selling something. Most likely web ads.
Read our Apple Watch tutorials:
How to set up a new Apple Watch | How to make Apple Watch battery last longer | How to use Siri on Apple Watch | How to use Digital Touch on Apple Watch | How to reply to a text on Apple Watch | How to answer a call on Apple Watch | How to change watch faces on Apple Watch | How to use the Music app on Apple Watch | How to use Maps on Apple Watch | How to use the Apple Watch Activity app | How to use the Apple Watch Workout app | How to take a screenshot on Apple Watch | How to make the Apple Watch a more accurate fitness tracker | How to manage Apple Watch notifications | How to use Apple Pay on the Apple Watch