Serial Apple derangement syndrome sufferer David Goldman is back to - surprise! - tell us how the Apple Watch is doomed.

"The Apple Watch will flop. Here's why" (tip o' the antlers to Jim Neal)

Disclaimer: Does not actually show how the Apple Watch will be a flop. Also, does not contain any valid analysis. May contain 75 percent dead weevils by volume.

The Apple Watch is going to be a flop.

When a headline is so good you just have to use it as the lede, too. That's Journalism 101.

Well, in Apple terms anyway.

Oh, so by "flop" you mean "tremendous success, the kind of success other companies only dream about." Got it. Important context. Thanks for that.

Millions of people will buy Apple Watches, because Apple's enormous, core base of fans will line up for just about anything.

Bzzzt.

...Apple needs a new product to reduce its reliance on one core product.

Because why? Who knows? It is just a thing that is said and accepted. Presumably because iPhones are not popular anymore because too many people have them.

It won't find that with the Apple Watch.

Inasmuch as the first version requires an iPhone, probably not, no.

Here's why Apple knows the Apple Watch won't be an instant hit...

Oh, so first it was a "flop" on the sliding scale that applies to Apple and only Apple and now it's not going to be "an instant hit."

Wearable devices haven't taken off for that reason: The functionality doesn't justify their price.

Current wearables suck. Apple is making a wearable. Ergo, Apple's wearable will also suck.

Try that again with "smartphones" or "tablets" and then you get an idea of how funny it is. That logic is the tumbling, rolly-polly puppy of Apple analysis. Oh, tumbling, rolly-polly puppy of Apple analysis! You're so adorably clumsy and naïve. It is kind of weird how you never get any older as time goes on, though. Do you have some sort of developmental impairment?

... [serial tech investor Fred] Wilson said the Apple Watch won't be a "home-run product that iPod, iPhone, and iPad have been."

So, Goldman read about Wilson's public discontent with Business Insider putting "flop" into his mouth and his solution was to just use Wilson's words as evidence the Apple Watch will be a flop. Because in this game, you have to keep your eyes on the prize and the prize is getting "Apple Watch" and "flop" into the headline.

How to watch the Apple Watch event live stream, and what to expect

Battery life is going to be awful. If the rumors of 10-hour battery life hold true, that's truly dreadful.

I will now begin to review this device that hasn't shipped yet based on rumors, because what could go wrong with that? [See also: Why a one-day battery isn't a deal-breaker for Apple Watch]

...there are actually better-looking smartwatches on the market, including the gorgeous Moto 360, which actually looks like a watch.

Sure. If you think a can of tuna is gorgeous. The Macalope has tried on a Motorola 360 and while such things are a matter of opinion and there are never any ways to categorically state things, he is here to tell you categorically that it is U-G-L-Y and it has absolutely no alibi. It's a stubby cylinder with a strap on it. You may not like the Apple Watch, that's fine, but calling the Motorola 360 "gorgeous" and not immediately bursting into flames? Well, that's just another sign that we do not live in a just and righteous universe.

There's no mistaking the Apple Watch--it's boxy, fat...

It's rectangular, which is apparently unacceptable. The larger of the two Apple Watches, excluding the heart sensor disk, is less "fat" than the Motorola 360. But even if you measure its volume length by width by depth using the heart sensor depth, it's less than that of the Motorola 360.

And that's the larger one. (Dimensions taken from here and here.)

Do you really want to zoom in and out with a dial to see text on a tiny screen when you have a 5-inch screen in your pocket?

No one will use a touch-screen keyboard!

Spending $200 on the iPhone is a two-year investment. You know you're getting something that will be replaced in a couple years, and your carrier will subsidize the cost for you.

Not only does Goldman not understand how Apple makes products, he doesn't understand how carrier "subsidies" work. He literally tries to make it appear that an iPhone is cheaper than an Apple Watch.

The Macalope doesn't know about you, but he doesn't thinks that someone whose analysis is worth taking seriously.

[Editors' Note: The Macalope skewers the worst coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticise any media organisation. Even ours.]

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