Thinking of writing a piece about how the Apple Watch has let us all down? It's easy! Just type up your opinions as fact.
Writing for the Forbes contributor network and broken-down animatronic bear jamboree, Chander Chawla explains "Why Apple Watch And Fitbit Will Not Meet Expectations" (no link, but a tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)
Whose expectations? These and many other questions -- such as "What did we do to deserve reading this?" -- will never get answered.
A lot of activity has taken place in the wearable devices (wearables) world in the last few weeks... Apple Watch went on sale (for real, this time).
And thee shall know me by my Apple-bashing asides.
The Watch has been on sale from the date it was supposed to go on sale, but it was back-ordered. For any other company that would be indicative of strong demand. For Apple it's apparently some kind of Weyland-Yutani-level subterfuge.
Now, let us see how many assumptions of unproven facts we can jam into one paragraph.
Apple Watch has been a disappointment.
It's on the Internet so it must be true. QED with jelly on top.
Apple Watch eats up your iPhone battery...
There's no link here to prove this, Chawla simply states it as fact. The Macalope knows this was a concern early on, but it sure hasn't been his actual experience with the Apple Watch. Apple Music is a much bigger iPhone battery suck than the Apple Watch could ever aspire to be.
The digital crown is not even close to the iPhone multi-touch interface in its intuitiveness.
It's not as nice as the greatest interface advancement of the last 30 years! What a waste of a nice wrist!
Chawla never once mentions the haptic engine, which actually is a huge leap forward in interface development, particularly for the visually impaired.
The map function on the Apple Watch is difficult to use for walking directions.
It just is! You can just say things without providing any evidence! These are things that everyone knows to be true, like that scaring someone immediately cures their hiccups, elephants are afraid of mice and the entire world is a holographic simulation created by aliens and you're the last human alive. We all just know these things!
Chawla's basic complaint about the Watch is that, while he admits it's better looking than the competition, he doesn't think it looks good enough. Which is fine, but that's your opinion.
Here's what he wrote last September after the initial Apple Watch event.
Surprisingly, Apple failed to create an elegant design that is sophisticated, inviting, and moving. The AW looks like a giant screen on your wrist.
Forget the fact that even the 42mm version is smaller than every Android Wear-based device on the market. The screen is too big! It should be so small you can't read it. But large enough that you can. That big. That's how big.
But not too big. Like it is.
The bigger one is for men and the smaller one is for women.
Well, glad we cleared that up. Sorry, thin-wristed men! Sorry, non-petit women! But these watches that look exactly alike except for size come gender-defined.
I am not replacing my Hermès watch for an AW.
The image Chawla has in the piece is of this watch which sells for $3,200 and, to the Macalope's eye, does a much better job of proving the point that taste is subjective than the Apple Watch.
If you've read this far into Chawla's piece, you're either utterly exasperated, a golem forged of naught but Apple Watch hatred, or functionally insane. At any rate, it's time for the coup de grace.
Apple Watch will never achieve the adoption that iPhone has achieved.
Is that the bar? "Look, it's clearly not selling as well as one of the best-selling technology products in the history of the universe so... total fail."
The Apple Watch may not be for everyone, but that doesn't make it a failure.