Get out your Apple Watch Flop bingo cards because it's time to fill in another square. This time the one that says "Flop." (They all say "flop.")

Writing for Canada's Globe and Mail, Shane Dingman is here (well, in Canada) to tell us "Why the Apple Watch just isn't ready yet" (tip o' the antlers to Pat Trivedi).

The Apple Watch is a flop, and nobody seems to want to admit it.

Nobody?! What tech coverage are you reading? The Macalope refers you to hiscollectedworks, which are virtually overflowing with people who have said it's a flop based on their personal opinions and very little else. Surely Dingman is not going to do the same th-OW, THE MACALOPE'S RHETORICAL BONE.

I don't recommend buying one for a multitude of reasons under the same theme: It's just not ready.

I don't like the Watch, so it is therefore a flop. QED.

Well, as long as we're pulling out and measuring anecdotes, the Macalope does like his. So. Here we are. Welcome to Impasse Gulch, population: you.

Also, there's at least some indication other people like it, too. That's certainly not worth mentioning, though. Why even bring that up? Pointless. At least Dingman didn't waste any time on that.

The Globe and Mail wasn't one of the chosen outlets to review the Apple Watch before it went on sale to consumers...

Some people work in clay, others acrylics, some in ink. The Globe and Mail apparently works in butthurt. Their double truck devoted to Ms. Gladys Pemberton of Mississauga cancelling her subscription was recognized by the North American Butthurt Society for "critical advancement in the area of butthurt culture."

Apple has a long history of first-generation devices that promise more than they deliver.

¯\_(Ä)_/¯

Apple's last earnings report showed worrying signs that Watch is not taking off.

Apple wouldn't even tell us how many they shipped! Which they said they weren't going to do back in October! So, clearly, they're hiding something!

...but the Watch-as-fitness-band has a few major drawbacks: It is heavy...

It is perfectly comparable to the kinds of watches the Macalope has worn for years while exercising. That is to say, it weighs as much as a watch does. If that's too heavy for you, maybe you didn't want to wear a watch while exercising in the first place. Which leads one to wonder why you're considering a watch as an exercise tracker.

People, try to have an idea of what are deal-breakers for you before you run out and buy a device that any reasonable person would recognize beforehand would break all your particular deals. The Macalope can't stress that enough.

"This ream of printer paper makes a terrible can opener!"

"Ned, what are you doing, Ned? We talked about this. Put the paper in the printer, Ned. Ned. Ned. NEEEEEEEED!"

...fragile...

You can just say stuff! Dingman offers no evidence to support these opinions. He simply states them as fact without proving them to be fact. Did his break? Did it scratch? Did he find a study that says they break more easily than other devices? These and other questions we shall take to our graves, for there are no answers here, only the wind howling through and empty canyon of the mind.

...and much more expensive than other similarly functioning wearables.

No, not other similarly functioning wearables, other bands that do fitness tracking. Does the Fitbit have an Instagram app?

Apple's own notifications are laughably slow...

In the Macalope's experience, notifications on the Watch come in at virtually the same time as notifications on the phone. He is not going to make a joke about it being related to the metric system because, let's face it, the fact the U.S. isn't on the metric system is an embarrassment.

...and the worst is the day-old text that you get when you strap on your watch in the morning. It's an almost daily reminder that this thing is less useful than your phone.

The horny one is really not sure what Dingman is complaining about here. You pick up your Watch in the morning and it shows you notifications you missed overnight, which is different than what your phone does how?

Or are we just piling any and all Watch complaints onto this bonfire of the frivolities?

Some of this may get better in the fall when Watch OS 2.0 ships, but I still wouldn't recommend buying a Watch at that time.

Why? Because, Dingman says, a new watch will be just around the corner. Or, well, a year away. Just don't buy one, that's the important take-away here. As the Macalope has always said, never buy anything until six minutes before you die. It's the only way to be sure you haven't wasted your money on a device that will later get a nice upgrade. Getting utility out of things now is for suckers.

There are some complaints Dingman makes that are completely valid. Many elements of the interface are slow. The fitness tracking only seems to work consistently if you deliberately launch the workout app. Not everyone needs a $350+ device for notifications, etc. But these valid complaints are so buried in the deluge of unsupported personal opinion that it's like trying to find the season 1 magic in season 2 of True Detective.

"What am I watching? What is Vince Vaughn doing with his face?"

I don't mean to pick solely on Apple WatchAndroid Wear is also a depressing kludge.

Oh? Well, that's funny we should find out 14 paragraphs into this piece. It's also funny that the headline and first two-thirds of the piece are dedicated to the Apple Watch, which is selling far better than these other devices.

Not really laugh-out-loud funny, but...

The hype around the Watch, "Apple's most personal device," to my mind has gone unfulfilled. It hasn't made the case for its existence the way the smartphone did.

If it doesn't change the world like the iPhone did, then what good is it?

That's some bar that Apple has to jump over, isn't it? It's nice no other company is held to that standard.

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