Hey, it's our first overblown freakout of the year! At TechRadar, Gareth Beavis lays down the law.

"Apple: make an iPhad or get ready to iPhail" (tip o' the antlers to Shawn King).

You ...

SERIOUSLY, GARETH?

Two words that are not words in one title. The Macalope is flipping all of the tables.

I don't mean to sound alarmist ...

It's a condition. It's a thing I am compelled to do. I HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?

... but 2014 could well be the year that Apple makes its biggest mistake in recent history.

No, I'm not talking about the iWatch - I still think that could actually be rather good ...

I know nothing about it, but I like what I hear.

... no, Apple has to, HAS TO ...

OH, NO, IT'S CAPS LOCK IMPORTANT!

... bring out a large screen version of the iPhone or it's going to really struggle to stay relevant in a rapidly changing world.

Ah, the old "Apple has to" or "Apple must" construction. The Macalope has long been a fan of that.

So, let's just look at this for a second and pretend to take it seriously, even though we really aren't. Phablet installed base as of October was all of about 7 percent, and a good part of that is because of the category's 41 percent share in South Korea. Beavis quotes phablet market share as being about 20 percent. Maybe Apple will ship a larger iPhone, but it's not wrong to focus on the larger part of the market instead of trying to convince South Koreans to buy against the home team.

This isn't a cry for a phablet based on the screen being too small ... but more that if it sticks at its current size, Apple will be missing out on market share and, ultimately, revenue.

Because market share is the only way you get revenue. Well, market share and pyramid schemes. Those always work.

The phablet, like it or loathe it, is here to stay.

So are a lot of product categories that Apple is never going to fill. Is it so hard to understand the company's business model when its commercials basically spell the whole thing out?

This would solve a lot of problems for a company haemorrhaging users ...

So, we've gone from "I don't mean to sound alarmist" to just making crap up. True story, bro: Apple sells more iPhones and iPads every year. You can look it up.

... looking enviously at their Android counterparts with a more expansive and generous display to type into, watch movies on and generally get a better browsing experience from.

You live a rich fantasy life, don't you?

But the clock is ticking.

The clock is an analog clock. The clock has a cartoon mouse on its face. The clock's be-gloved hands point at 10 and 11. The clock is owned by 8-year-old Meredith Whinney of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

If Apple doesn't end 2014 with a phablet in its ranks, then all its efforts to crack the Asian markets, as well as ticking the box of power users looking for an upgraded experience, will be for nothing.

Because there is literally no other way to sell phones than by making them bigger.

Not that Gareth means to sound alarmist.