If Apple had launched the Xbox One, how would the launch event have been different? Read on to find out...
In homage to Steve Hogarty's marvellous Xbox One scoop yesterday, I decided to go and root through the bins at Cupertino. Amazingly, I found a script for the event Apple planned to run for their own gaming console launch. I apologise in advance for my hamfisted attempts at humour.
iBOX REVEAL SCRIPT - CUPERTINO, APPLE HQ, CONFIDENTIAL, STRICTLY NOT FOR RELEASE
[TIM COOK enters stage right. He is flanked by THE ROCK and a busty LARA CROFT COSPLAYER. He looks exceptionally uncomfortable, like a middle-aged man collecting his niece from an all-night rave.]
[Audience cheer. 1,300 journalists publish first look reviews.]
Two years ago I sat down with Jonathan Ive to talk about fun. We agreed that all existing fun things were terrible from a user experience point of view. So we decided to create a product that would deliver fun in a simple way that even a child could understand. We decided to create iBox, Apple's first gaming system. No I haven't heard of Pippin.
We sold 65 billion iBoxes in two and a half minutes.
[Audience cheer. LARA CROFT COSPLAYER does a handstand.]
But we weren't satisfied. So we reinvented the wheel in 2012. iBox 2 was smaller, lighter, thinner, faster, bigger, faster, taller, smaller, thinner, later, earlier and funner. It was magical. We sold 68 billion iBox 2s in 95 seconds. I know that doesn't sound so impressive after hearing the iBox 1 sales but it's really -
[Boos. Tears. Several journalists start openly writing 'Apple in crisis' articles.]
Look, we made more money than America this year. We would have sold more iBoxes but the world had run out of units of currency exchange -
[Shouts and jeers. Demands for regime change. Weeping, THE ROCK makes for the exit.]
Look, I - Can I welcome Jonathan Ive to the stage?
[SIR JONY IVE sprints on to the stage and grabs the microphone. He begins speaking in his beautiful, firm, hypnotic voice. The audience instantly calms down, like a baby with an iPhone.]
Design. Simplicity. Minimalism. Function. Shape. Physical form. Engineering principles. Manufacture. Quality control.
[Video: 'Apple fun'. Children laugh and play while Apple executives in open-neck shirts look on earnestly. PHIL SCHILLER slides slowly down a slide. TIM COOK and EDDY CUE play Twister.]
We looked at fun and decided to make it funner. And then we thought, 'Why not make it funnerer?' So we started again and did everything differently. And that's when we created iBox for the third time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: iBox. Which in certain parts of my speech I will give the impression is actually called New iBox.
[Audience cheers. TIM COOK opens his mouth to reveal a microscopic but beautifully formed aluminium sphere on his tongue, which floats out and hovers next to him.]
The best thing about iBox 3 is that it plays physical media and is interoperable with other companies' systems.
Ha ha! No seriously, the best thing about iBox With Retina Display is the fact that all games and movies must be downloaded from our App Store via iCloud. We call this function 'the licence to print money'.
Each iBox One is milled from a single piece of aluminium into a mathematically perfect sphere. If you put it on the ground it will roll forever. There are no buttons or physical controls of any kind - it's the minimalistest product Apple has ever released. In fact you don't even need to play the games yourself. We'd prefer if you didn't touch it at all, to be honest.
[Cheers. Several journalists start work on iBox 4 rumour roundups.]
You probably want to know when iBox 720 will be available, don't you? And how much it will cost?
[Journalists flip open their notebooks and lick the tips of their pencils, nodding frantically.]
Well, it's already here. We started selling it at the start of this speech. You've all bought several units. We charged your accounts automatically, using iBox's brain camera to lift your bank details. It knows the secret of all men's hearts.
[Flash of lightning.]
Well that's it. Oh, just one more thing… [pauses dramatically] Sorry, no that was everything. Bye!
[The spell broken, most journalists now return to a feral state, tearing up the furniture, hurling faeces and preparing lists of features iBox should have included. LARA CROFT COSPLAYER draws what turn out to be real pistols and lays down a covering fire while TIM and JONY flee from the stage. Chaos. Darkness. Fear. Closing music: 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark' by Death Cab For Cutie.]