Another survey about Apple is out so you know what that means: It's time to misinterpret it.
Writing for the collection of circus poodles jumping through hoops that has the oddly inaccurate name of Business Insider, Jillian D'Onfro says "Apple Pay has been a 'disappointment' to nearly half its users." (Tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)
Oh, no! That would certainly be terrible if that were at all what this survey showed! Good thing it doesn't. Kind of dodged an imaginary bullet there. Phew.
Nearly half of the people Phoenix surveyed who tried to use Apple Pay in-store reported problems with the service.
No, in fact, they did not. Turns out two-thirds of people who used Apple Pay reported "problems with the service." "Nearly half" of people who tried to use Apple Pay said they went to use the service and found out the store was not set up for it despite the chain claiming to accept Apple Pay.
But that is not a "problem with the service". That is no service. The way the report phrased it was "Consumer demand for Apple Pay use is ahead of merchant ability to accept Apple Pay". Just like with supposed Apple Pay fraud, the actual problem is with the partner, not the Apple service.
"47% visited a store that was listed as an Apple Pay merchant only to find out that the specific store they visited did not accept (or were not ready to accept) Apple Pay."
This is like saying making love with Benedict Cumberbatch or Christina Hendricks (or Benedict Cumberbatch and Christina Hendricks) is so super disappointing because you can't actually get close to having the slightest chance at making love with Benedict Cumberbatch or Christina Hendricks.
I mean, look at yourself, Lenny. You've really let yourself go.
When the disappointment is centered around not being able to do something, you can't logically claim people are disappointed in the something. "I am disappointed I could not get into Disneyland" is not the same thing as "I am disappointed in Disneyland."
And, yes, the Macalope is equating love making to a day at Disneyland. He stands by that. Both are fun and make you think seriously about birth control.
Well, surely this is a huge study with a giant sample size that in no way eh, not exactly.
For its study, Phoenix surveyed more than 3,000 households. Of those households, there were 523 iPhone 6 or 6 Plus owners, 350 Apple Pay adopters, and 302 Apple Pay users who have made at least one purchase in the past four months.
This doesn't mean it's not an indicator, of course, but it's only really correct to say that those surveyed had these experiences, not all Apple Pay users.
Of course, there have been problems in the actual use of Apple Pay.
"Two-out-of-three Apple Pay users have reported a problem at checkout," another Pheonix researcher, Leon Majors, writes...
But none of this says what the headlines says, that people who actually got to use Apple Pay were "disappointed". You could have problems with something and still like it. Just ask the Macalope's wife. (Do not, under any circumstances, ask the Macalope's wife.)
Despite this not being what it's purported to be at all the Boy Genius Report found it too attractive not to jump on like a capybara on whatever capybaras eat. That's just how tech reporting works. And capybaras.
They're disappointed! In Apple Pay! Look!
"The demand is there: 59% of Apple Pay users have gone into a store and asked to make a purchase with Apple Pay," researcher Greg Weed writes. "But so is the disappointment: 47% visited a store that was listed as an Apple Pay merchant only to find out that the specific store they visited did not accept (or were not ready to accept) Apple Pay."
See?! The guy said "disappointment"! Therefore people are disappointed in Apple Pay. QED.
Reading comprehension is not only not required, it's actually an impediment. Much like the homeland security mantra "If you see something, say something", the tech reporter's Apple survey mantra is "If you see a survey, don't stop to understand it, just link it up real fast, hurry, hurry, HURRY." It's less pithy, but still accurate.