A priest, a rabbi, and a longshoreman walk into a pharmacy and try to use Apple Pay. They all leave because it's completely broken and, also, they realize they're in the wrong joke. They're supposed to be walking into a bar.

Apple Pay UK launch date rumours

Writing for The Motley Fool, Jeremy Bowman says "Apple Pay's Problems Are Bigger Than You Think" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody).


[Apple Pay] has not benefited from the usual Cupertino halo effect.

It's been six months and it hasn't taken over the world yet? Stick a fork in it.

...the program ran into trouble early on.

Unlike anything ever. Everything else that has been launched in the world has always been flawless from the beginning. No one could deny that. This explains our utopian way of life.

...a new survey shows that Apple Pay may have mostly itself to blame for its problems.

Bowman then cites the Phoenix Marketing survey the Macalope already wrote about, which shows that people want to use Apple Pay, but can't because retailers aren't implementing it fast enough.

That's a problem, yes, but is this a plausible scenario: You want to eat donuts but donuts are not readily available. When donuts do become avbailable you say "I no longer want donuts as I am dissatisfied with them!"? No, you eat the donuts. What are you, some kind of monster? Certainly not.

Half of users who try it once don't try it again.

Not exactly. Here's what the survey results said:

"In the last four months, 48% of users have paid with Apple Pay just one time..."

So, all that says is they tried it only once, but let's assume they knocked over some store shelves, punched a store clerk and walked out.

Part of the issues surrounding Apple Pay are that there is little incentive for adoption by retailers or consumers.

Have you used Apple Pay? Because maybe we're talking about two different Apple Pays. The Macalope hasn't used it extensively, but the times he's used it, it's been great. Tap, bing, out. What's not to want?

...many retail chains likely find that the money that would be spent on training and equipment for Apple Pay could be put to better use elsewhere.

Oh, totally. Like letting customers go to competing stores that accept Apple Pay.


The Macalope doesn't know which form of electronic payment will win out. Maybe we'll use several. But it's pretty clear we're not going to continue to use cards like the animals do.

Apple's cut is reportedly 0.15% for every dollar spent through Apple Pay, or $0.15 for every $100.


For a company with nearly $200 billion in revenue, that percentage is not going to make revenue from Apple Pay meaningful anytime soon.

And Apple so badly needs revenue.

And once the Apple Watch debuts later this month, all discussion of Apple Pay may be forgotten.

It's not like the Apple Watch makes Apple Pay even easier. Not gonna move the dial there and, in fact, will completely divert attention from one of its key features. Indeed. Well said.

Apple Pay's launch hasn't been sweeping yet, but demand doesn't seem to be the real problem. That's why you might want to give it time.